Conservatory MPs are urged to apply for their gift as soon as possible, as demand is likely to outstrip supply.

• Cabinet/ Senior Ministerial Quality
  
• Portable Garden Pool, with Selection of Gnomes and Frogs on Toadstools. Prime Ministerial Quality Guaranteed. (Ref:PGP1)

• Ex- MAFF Beer Inspectors Portable Outfit comprising:
  • Two-handled ½-pint Teak Beer Mug, complete with galvanised zinc Moustache Filter and Drip-tray.
  • Battery-operated Echo Sounder Dipstick.
  • Solid Brass Beer Head Depth Gauge engraved with both Imperial and Metric scales.
  • Colour Charts.
  • Foreign Body Identification Manual. (3 Vols)
  • Two-Gallon Refillable Deodorant Air Spray.
• The complete kit is securely contained in a webbing valise, fitted with adjustable shoulder and ankle safety straps with integral counter balance weights, and is guaranteed for five years. For the ex-Chancellor who thought he had everything. (Ref:ALE97)

• Self-assembly High-Security Prison Kit. Run your own Corrective Institution. Requires 5 Acres. Includes 256 6'x4' Four-Man Cells and Three Dungeons, one equipped with a Hydraulic Rack. Ancillary equipment includes 1000 Home Office-Surplus Cattle Prods, and a Fully-Featured Experimental Laboratory, generously donated by a US Company. Ideal for unemployed ex-Home Secretaries. (Ref:JA1L)

• Junior Ministerial Quality
  
• Ministry of Information Senior Operative's Kit, comprising Log/Diary, various Bugging Devices, Infra-Red Video Camera with Projector for Detailed Analysis, and Fully-Inflatable Bank Balance. Batteries not included. Home Office Approved. (Ref:MI5/SO2)

• Full Featured Portable Computer disguised as a Ministerial Briefings Folder. Fitted with Microwave Network Internet link. Beat Labour at their own game! Fitted with a Pentium Processor, this intriguing device can double as a discreet foot-warmer. (Ref:PC8586·2347)

• Eighteen-Hole Golf Course, with two Sand Pits, three Bunkers and a Real Running Stream (Meter fitted). This compact model can be easily erected in a typical semi-detached third bedroom in less than 15 minutes. For the ex-Minister with Bright Ideas. (Ref:GC18SBR(M))

• Dorman-Long Cast Iron Abacus. Treadle Operated with Integral Flywheel. Mystify your friends and colleagues with this device. Ideal for Junior Treasury ex-Ministers. (Ref:1234567890)

• Total Insanity Diet Enhancement Kit. A Lifetime* Supply of BSE Certified Prime English Dairycow Beefsteak (1989 Vintage), Carefully Preserved at the Slaughter Abattoir and Feed Co. Ltd, Bogglesham. Ideal for Agricultural ex-Ministers. (Not available in Scotland or Northern Ireland). (Ref:#666)
• * or two years, whichever is the lesser.

• Back Bench Quality
  
• Computerised Thirteen-Seater, Single-Octave Commode. This model is 'Windoze 95' Compatible, and requires 3 Gigabytes of Memory and a CD Rom Drive (Not Supplied). For the technically advanced ex-MP with digestive problems. (Ref:13EC2)

• Three-String Basket-Woven Guitar with Rack and Pinion Tuning. A Lethargic Microphone is also supplied. Recommended for the less-active ex-MP. (Ref:3SG)

• Deck of 'House of Commons' Playing Cards. This pack is ideal for games of 'Find the Lady'. It consists of 51 Jacks, 3 Jokers and 1 Queen (Well thumbed on the rear). For Royalist ex-MPs. (Ref:PC52)

• Coin-operated, Fully-Automatic Emoluments Dispenser. This model fits neatly into the inside pocket. Turns Pennies into Pounds. You can work real miracles with this device! For the corrupt ex-MP who believes everything he reads. (Not approved by the Royal Mint). (Ref:FRAUO7)

• Complete Parliamentary Crawler's kit comprising notepad, 6" Brush, Dustpan, 4" Clothes Brush, Boot Licker's Moustache Guard, Ashtray and 'Cringing and Whining Made Easy' Manual. Ideal for the Lobby Fodderist. (Ref:PCC846)

• Imitation Ivory Two Waveband Ear Trumpet with Integral UHF Aerial. (Ref:TWET1)

• Home-disassembly British Railways Signal Gantry Kit, comprising Assorted Lattice Posts, Somersault Semaphore Signal Arms, Oil Lamps, Counterweights and Full Wiring. Designed to span four tracks. Standard Gauge. (Rails not included) Instant vertical delivery to your home address. For the right-wing Railway Privatisation Enthusiast. (Ref:NUR27)
• For some strange reason this was donated by The RMT Union, who will arrange delivery.

• Motorist's First-Aid Kit, comprising 1 Gross of Top-Grade Egyptian Cotton Triangular Bandages and 2 Cords of Wooden Splints. For the car-dependent ex-MP. (Ref:RX725)

• Patent Leather Safety Clogs, with Optional Stiletto Heels. Please state size and fit required. May also be worn on the head. Just the thing for the ex-MP with diverse sexual interests. (Ref:AS69)

• AC/DC Portable Loudhailer. This Instrument has a 150 dBA output at a range of Five Miles. A set of Ex-Royal Navy Gunnery Earmuffs is also included. For the opinionated ex-MP. (Ref:RN0028/27)

• 'House of Commons' Fountain Pen. In a fetching Dark Green Colour, embossed with the Portcullis Emblem, this comes complete with an Exclusive Cobweb Nib for Spidery Writers. (Ref:PP536)

• Set of matching Hawker-Siddeley Competition Darts with Beer-Resistant, Hollow Plastic Shafts and 29 gramme Tungsten Alloy Swing-wing Flights. For ex-MPs who spend their time in bars. (Ref:HSD77)

• In addition to their gift, all departing Conservatory MPs will receive, upon request, a free British Rail Surplus Officer's Lavatory Pass, valid for Five Years. (Ref:PO231)

 All applications should be made direct to me, c/o The Parliamentary Whips Office.

 C. Digby Gruntphuttock
 Parliamentary Career Retardment Officer

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